THE QUESTION THIS BOOKLET IS ANSWERING
Here is a strange thing about the human heart.
When somebody hurts us, we find it very easy to shut the door. We stop calling. We stop trusting. We say, "After all I did for you." Sometimes we carry the matter for years.
But when we are the ones who hurt God, we expect something different. We expect Him to understand. We expect Him to be patient. We expect Him to forgive us again, and again, and again.
So, this is the question:
Why do we find it so hard to forgive the people who hurt us, while we still expect God to keep on forgiving us?
This booklet answers that question in simple words, using the Bible. It also shows what God says about a person who takes His mercy but refuses to give mercy to others.
WHY THIS MATTERS TO YOU
You may be reading this with a name already sitting on your chest. A parent. A spouse. A friend who betrayed you. A pastor who let you down. A stranger who took something from you that can never be returned.
This booklet is not asking you to say the hurt did not happen, or that it did not matter. It happened. It mattered. What it is asking is a smaller, harder question: now that it has happened, what will you do with it? Carry it, or hand it over?
Keep that name in mind as you read. Every section below will eventually come back to it.
1. WE JUDGE OTHERS BY WHAT THEY DO, AND OURSELVES BY WHAT WE MEANT (FUNDAMENTAL ATTRIBUTION ERROR)
When another person does wrong, we say, "That is the kind of person he is." We look at the action and we decide the heart.
When we do the same wrong, we say, "I was tired. I was under pressure. I did not mean it." We look at our reasons, not our actions.
People who study human behaviour have a name for this. They call it the fundamental attribution error. It simply means we are quick to blame the character of other people, and quick to excuse ourselves.
The Bible said it first, and said it better:
"And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?"
Matthew 7:3 (KJV)
A mote is a tiny speck of dust. A beam is a big piece of wood. Jesus was saying that we can see a small fault in another person while a bigger one sits in our own life.
This is one of the ways sin works. It does not only make us do wrong things. It also spoils our eyes, so that our own debt looks small and another person’s debt looks huge.
C. S. Lewis noticed the same thing in his book Mere Christianity. He said everybody agrees that forgiveness is a beautiful idea, until they have somebody to forgive. Then it suddenly stops being beautiful.
The excuses we give ourselves
Listen to how differently we speak about our own faults and other people’s faults. When we hurt somebody, we say things like:
"I was going through a lot that week."
"You misunderstood me."
"That is just how I express myself."
"I said sorry, what more do you want?"
But when somebody hurts us, we rarely reach for the same kindness on their behalf. We do not say, "She was going through a lot that week." We say, "She showed her true colour s." The scales are not balanced, and they were never meant to be balanced this way.
God does not judge like this. He is not fooled by our excuses, and He is not unfair to our offenders either. He sees every heart exactly as it is.
"For the LORD seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart."
1 Samuel 16:7 (KJV)
That means He also sees our excuses for what they are, and He still chooses mercy. That is the wonder of it.
2. THE STORY OF THE TWO DEBTS
One day Peter came to Jesus with a question. He wanted to know how many times he should forgive his brother. He suggested seven times, and he thought he was being very generous, because the teachers of his day taught three times.
"Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven."
Matthew 18:21–22 (KJV)
Jesus was not giving Peter a new number to count to. Four hundred and ninety is simply too many to keep counting. He was saying: stop counting. Forgiveness in God’s kingdom does not keep a record.
Then Jesus told a story to explain it.
A king decided to settle accounts with his servants. One servant was brought in who owed him ten thousand talents. We should stop and think about that amount. One talent was about six thousand denarii, and one denarius was one day’s wage for a working man. So, one talent was about twenty years of work. Ten thousand talents were about sixty million days of work. No servant could ever pay it, not in one lifetime, not in ten.
The man had nothing to pay with, so the king ordered that he and his family be sold. The servant fell down and begged for time.
"Then the lord of that servant was moved with compassion, and loosed him, and forgave him the debt."
Matthew 18:27 (KJV)
The king did not give him more time. He wiped the whole thing away.
But the story does not end there. The same servant went out and found a fellow servant who owed him one hundred pence, which was about one hundred days of work. It was a real debt, but it was small. Beside sixty million, it was almost nothing.
"And he laid hands on him, and took him by the throat, saying, Pay me that thou owest."
Matthew 18:28 (KJV)
His fellow servant begged him with the very same words he himself had used before the king. He refused, and threw the man into prison.
When the king heard, he called the man back and said:
"O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that debt, because thou desiredst me: shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee?"
Matthew 18:32–33 (KJV)
And Jesus ended the story with a warning:
"So likewise, shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not everyone his brother their trespasses."
Matthew 18:35 (KJV)
Why did Jesus choose such a strange, huge number?
Because He wanted the maths to break. Ten thousand talents were more money than existed in most small nations at that time. Jesus was not describing a debt that was merely large. He was describing a debt that was impossible, on purpose, so that nobody listening could think, "Well, with enough time, I could pay that back." You could not. Neither can we pay back our sin. That is exactly the point.
And notice what the servant said when he was caught: "Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all" (Matthew 18:26, KJV). He was still bargaining. He still thought, given enough time, he could clear the account himself. Many of us pray the same prayer to God without realising it: "Lord, give me time, and I will make it up to You." The king did not give him more time. He gave him mercy instead, which was the only thing that could actually solve the problem.
3. PUT THE TWO DEBTS SIDE BY SIDE
This is the heart of the matter. The Jewish teachers had a way of reasoning called "from the lesser to the greater". Jesus is using it here. Look at the two debts:
What we owe God: sixty million days of work. Impossible to pay. We cannot work it off, beg it off, or be good enough to clear it.
What others owe us: one hundred days of work. Painful, yes. Real, yes. But small beside the first.
What God did about our debt: He cancelled it completely, through the death of Jesus Christ on the cross.
What we often do about the other debt: we hold on to it, remind people of it, and make them pay for it for years.
Put like that, it does not make sense. A man who has been forgiven millions cannot stand in the road choking somebody over pennies. That is the picture Jesus painted, and He painted it on purpose, because it is our picture.
4. FORGIVING IS NOT THE SAME AS TRUSTING AGAIN
Many people refuse to forgive because of one fear. They think that if they forgive, they must go straight back into the same room, with the same person, with no protection. That fear is understandable, but it comes from mixing up two different things.
Forgiveness
The Greek word used in the New Testament is aphiemi. It means to send away, to let go, to cancel a debt. Forgiveness is something you do in your own heart. You drop your right to pay the person back. You hand the matter over to God, who judges rightly. You can do it even if the person never says sorry, and even if the person has died. Jesus did it while people were still nailing Him to the cross:
"Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do."
Luke 23:34 (KJV)
Reconciliation
The Greek word here is katallage. It means friendship restored, trust rebuilt, two people walking together again. This one takes two people. It needs the offender to admit what he did, to be truly sorry, and to change. Trust is rebuilt slowly, and it is rebuilt by behaviour, not by words.
God Himself works this way. At the cross, He opened the door of forgiveness to the whole world. But He is not at peace with every person, because reconciliation only happens when a person turns and comes back to Him.
"Now then we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God did beseech you by us: we pray you in Christ’s stead, be ye reconciled to God."
2 Corinthians 5:20 (KJV)
So here is the plain truth. You are commanded to forgive everybody. You are not commanded to hand your car keys, your money, your children or your safety to a person who has not changed. Being careful is not the same as being bitter. Scripture even allows for the limits of the other person:
"If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men."
Romans 12:18 (KJV)
"If it be possible" tells us that sometimes it will not be possible. Your part is to keep your own heart clean.
5. WHAT UNFORGIVENESS DOES TO YOU
We often think unforgiveness punishes the other person. It does not. He is usually eating well and sleeping well. The prison is inside us.
In the story, the king handed the wicked servant over to the tormentors. That is a picture of what happens to a heart that will not let go. Bitterness torments. It steals sleep, it sours joy, it dries up prayer**, and it follows you into new friendships that have done you no harm.**
"Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled."
Hebrews 12:15 (KJV)
Notice that a root grows quietly and underground, and then it troubles many people, not only the one who planted it. Unforgiveness never stays in one heart. It spreads to families, churches and generations.
"Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you."
Ephesians 4:31–32 (KJV)
The standard is at the end of that verse: "even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you." Not as the person deserves. As you have been forgiven.
6. WHAT UNFORGIVENESS DOES TO YOUR WALK WITH GOD
This part is serious, and we should not soften it.
"For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."
Matthew 6:14–15 (KJV)
"For he shall have judgment without mercy, that hath shewed no mercy; and mercy rejoiceth against judgment."
James 2:13 (KJV)
These verses do not mean that we buy God’s forgiveness by forgiving people. Salvation is a free gift, and nobody can earn it.
"For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast."
Ephesians 2:8–9 (KJV)
What they mean is simpler, and it is about the state of the heart. A hand that is closed into a fist to strike somebody cannot open to receive a gift. It is the same hand. A heart that is hard towards a brother has become hard, and a hard heart cannot enjoy mercy even while mercy is being offered.
So, the person who holds unforgiveness is not only wronging his neighbour. He is blocking his own supply. He still prays, but the sky feels like brass. He still sings, but the songs feel empty. Nothing is wrong with God’s grace. Something is wrong with the vessel we are holding out to receive it.
And there is a deeper wrong in it. At the cross, Christ carried the offence of people who were still His enemies at that very moment. The Christian who takes the benefit of that cross for himself, and then refuses to carry the offence of one neighbour, is telling the world a lie about God. The theologian Miroslav Volf described the cross as God making room in Himself for the very people who had pushed Him away. To demand that embrace for ourselves while we shut others out is to work against the Gospel, we say we believe.
7. PEOPLE IN THE BIBLE WHO FORGAVE THE UNFORGIVABLE
Stories help us more than rules do. Here are three people who were owed a great deal, and chose to release it.
Joseph and his brothers
Joseph’s own brothers sold him as a slave because they were jealous of him. He was dragged to Egypt, falsely accused, and thrown into prison for years he did not deserve. Many years later, those same brothers stood in front of him, needing food, not even knowing who he was at first.
He had every power to destroy them. He had the throne of Egypt behind him. Instead, he wept, and said something remarkable:
"But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive."
Genesis 50:20 (KJV)
Joseph did not pretend the evil was not evil. He said plainly, "ye thought evil against me." But he refused to let their evil have the final word over his life. Notice too that forgiveness did not mean pretending nothing had happened, or handing them instant, unguarded trust. It meant releasing the debt while God worked out the rest.
Jesus on the cross
While Roman soldiers were driving nails through His hands, and religious leaders were mocking Him, Jesus did not call down judgment. He prayed for the very people hurting Him, while they were still doing it.
"Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do."
Luke 23:34 (KJV)
This is the highest example there is. If forgiveness was possible in that moment, in that much pain, it is possible in ours.
Stephen, the first martyr
As Stephen was being stoned to death for preaching about Jesus, he did not curse the men throwing the stones. He knelt down.
"And he kneeled down, and cried with a loud voice, Lord, lay not this sin to their charge. And when he had said this, he fell asleep."
Acts 7:60 (KJV)
One of the men standing by, approving of Stephen’s death, was a young man named Saul. That same Saul later became the apostle Paul, one of the greatest missionaries in history. We will never know how much Stephen’s prayer had to do with that. Forgiveness sometimes plants a seed we do not live to see grow.
8. QUESTIONS PEOPLE OFTEN ASK
"What if the person never says sorry?"
Forgiveness does not wait for an apology, because forgiveness is not really about the offender. It is a transaction between you and God. You are simply moving the debt out of your hands and into His. The apology, if it ever comes genuinely, belongs to the separate matter of reconciliation, not forgiveness.
"What if I forgive and the hurt comes back?"
It will come back. Memory is not obedient. A song, a photograph, a smell, or a date on the calendar can bring the pain rushing back years later. That does not mean the forgiveness failed. It means you are human. When it returns, simply remind yourself, out loud if you need to, "I have already released this," and pray again. Seventy times seven was never only about forgiving seventy different people. It also covers forgiving the same hurt seventy times, whenever it resurfaces.
"Does forgiving mean the person was not really wrong?"
No. You cannot forgive a debt that was never owed. Calling it forgiveness actually agrees that a real wrong happened. Minimising it, saying "it was nothing," is not forgiveness. It is denial, and denial does not heal anything.
"What if the person is still dangerous, or still doing it?"
Then forgive them in your heart, and still protect yourself with wisdom. Jesus told His followers to be "wise as serpents, and harmless as doves" (Matthew 10:16, KJV). You can release bitterness and still lock the door, report the matter, or keep your distance. Boundaries are wisdom, not revenge.
"Am I forgiving God when I am disappointed with Him?"
God has never sinned against you, so there is no debt to cancel there. But it is honest to admit when you feel confused or hurt by His silence or His timing. The Psalms are full of that honesty. "How long wilt thou forget me, O LORD? forever?" (Psalm 13:1, KJV). Bringing your disappointment to God in prayer is not the same as unforgiveness. It is trust, spoken out loud.
"What if I do all this and I still feel angry?"
Forgiveness is a decision of the will, made once and repeated as needed. The feelings usually follow behind, slowly, sometimes over months. Do not wait for the feeling before you make the decision. Make the decision, and let the feeling catch up.
9. HOW TO ACTUALLY FORGIVE
Forgiveness is a decision before it is a feeling. Do not wait until you feel like it, because that day may never come. Here are simple steps.
Name it honestly. Do not pretend it did not happen or that it did not hurt. God never asked you to lie. The king in the story did not say the debt was small. He said it was cancelled.
Remember your own debt. Before you deal with the hundred pence, sit down and count the sixty million. Ask yourself how many times God has already forgiven you this year alone.
Hand the case over to God. You are not letting the person off. You are moving the case to a better Judge. "Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord" (Romans 12:19, KJV).
Say it out loud, by name, in prayer. "Lord, I forgive [name] for [what happened]. I release the debt." Doing it out loud makes the decision real.
Stop repeating the story. Every time we retell the offence to a new listener, we dig the root deeper. Tell one wise person who can help you, and then let it rest.
Pray for the person. This is the hardest step and the one that heals fastest. "Pray for them which despitefully use you" (Matthew 5:44, KJV). It is very difficult to keep hating somebody you are honestly praying for.
Expect the feelings to come back, and forgive again. When the memory returns, do not panic and think the forgiveness failed. Simply say, "I have already released that." That is what seventy times seven feels like in real life.
Be wise about trust. Forgive fully. Rebuild slowly, and only where there is real change.
10. LESSONS TO TAKE HOME
Forgiven people forgive people. That is the whole story in four words.
Your sin against God is always bigger than any person’s sin against you.
Forgiveness is free and one-sided. Trust is earned and two-sided. Do not confuse them.
Unforgiveness does not punish your offender. It builds a prison and keeps you inside it.
Setting a wise boundary is not bitterness. Keeping a record is.
A closed fist cannot receive a gift. Open your hand.
Stop counting. Counting is how the trouble begins.
Forgiveness does not need an apology. Reconciliation does.
You can release a person in your heart and still keep sensible boundaries around your life.
The feeling of forgiveness may lag behind the decision to forgive. Decide first.
Even Joseph, Jesus and Stephen forgave people who were still in the act of wronging them. That is the standard, and grace is available to reach it.
SHORT PRAYERS
Father, help me to see my own debt clearly before I count anybody else’s (Matthew 7:3).
Lord, I release [name]. I give up my right to pay them back. Take the case into Your hands (Romans 12:19).
Father, take out every root of bitterness in me before it grows and spreads (Hebrews 12:15).
Lord, make my heart tender again, and let me forgive as You have forgiven me (Ephesians 4:32).
Father, give me wisdom to know where to rebuild trust and where to be careful (Romans 12:18).
Thank You, Lord, for cancelling a debt I could never have paid. In Jesus’ name, Amen (Matthew 18:27).
Father, like Joseph, help me to say that what was meant for evil, you can still turn to good (Genesis 50:20).
Lord Jesus, give me grace to pray for the people who are hurting me right now, the way You did on the cross (Luke 23:34).
Father, when the memory returns and the pain feel fresh again, remind me that I have already let it go, and help me release it again (Hebrews 12:15).
Lord, give me the wisdom of a serpent and the harmlessness of a dove, so I can forgive freely and still protect myself wisely (Matthew 10:16).
FOR PERSONAL REFLECTION
Whose name came to your mind while you were reading this? That is where God is working today.
What is the "hundred pence" you are still holding on to, and what has holding it cost you?
Is there a place where you have called something forgiveness when it was really only silence?
Is there a relationship where you have forgiven, but wisdom says trust must still be rebuilt slowly?
If Joseph, Jesus and Stephen could forgive while still in pain, what is stopping you from forgiving after the pain has passed?
Whose apology are you still waiting for before you will forgive? What would it look like to forgive before it comes?
Write down one boundary you can keep while still letting go of bitterness in your heart.
REFERENCES AND FURTHER READING
All Scripture quotations are taken from the King James Version (KJV) of the Holy Bible.
Lewis, C. S. Mere Christianity. London: Geoffrey Bles, 1952. (See the chapter "Forgiveness".)
Volf, Miroslav. Exclusion and Embrace: A Theological Exploration of Identity, Otherness, and Reconciliation. Nashville: Abingdon Press, 1996.
Keller, Timothy. Forgive: Why Should I and How Can I? New York: Viking, 2022.
Ross, Lee. "The Intuitive Psychologist and His Shortcomings: Distortions in the Attribution Process." Advances in Experimental Social Psychology 10 (1977): 173–220. The original study of the fundamental attribution error.
"Joseph Forgives His Brothers (Genesis 50)." Bible Hub Study Bible. https://biblehub.com/genesis/50-20.htm
"Stephen’s Martyrdom, Acts 7." Bible Hub Study Bible. https://biblehub.com/acts/7-60.htm
"What is the meaning of the Parable of the Unforgiving Servant?" Got Questions Ministries. https://www.gotquestions.org/parable-unforgiving-servant.html
"What does it mean that mercy triumphs over judgment (James 2:13)?" Got Questions Ministries. https://www.gotquestions.org/mercy-triumphs-over-judgment.html
"Commentary on Matthew 18:21-35." Working Preacher, Luther Seminary. https://www.workingpreacher.org/commentaries/revised-common-lectionary/ordinary-24/commentary-on-matthew-1821-35-7
"Matthew 18:21-35 Commentary." Center for Excellence in Preaching, Calvin Theological Seminary. https://cepreaching.org/commentary/2023-09-11/matthew-1821-35-3/
"Forgiveness: Recent Research." American Association of Christian Counsellors. https://aacc.net/recent-research/forgiveness-2/
"James 2:13." Bible Hub Study Bible. https://biblehub.com/study/james/2-13.htm
SUGGESTED CITATION
Olatipe, Damilola E. Seventy Times Seven: The Man Who Was Forgiven a Fortune and Would Not Forgive a Few Pennies. 2026.
In-text (author–date): (Olatipe 2026).